| Editorial Thirty: T-Bert
at the Movies
Being distinguished connoisseurs of the cinema, the Station Management
is often asked by what rigid standards do we (be)rate our films. For
the edification of the uncouth masses, we've posted this abbreviated
overview of the Toshi Station Rating System. Future directors
take note: within this system lies the formula for a monster
blockbuster.
The scale we use is, naturally, based on the popular
Chain Scale (0 to 10+):
| No
Chains |
5 Chains |
10+ Chains |
 |
 |
 |
|
Bad bad film. This vexes T greatly. Foo. |
Average film.
T is not overly impressed.
|
A masterpiece. T is pleased.
|
Below are some
(merely a starting point) of
the elements that can affect a film's overall Chain Rating
| Additions
to the Chain Rating: |
Filmed
Element: |
| Plus
Three Chains |
Ninja stars [or other
standard-issue Ninja armament] |
| Plus
Three Chains |
Use of a Bruce [Lee and/or
Campbell] |
| Plus
Three Chains |
Aliens/Alien hybrids
|
| Plus
Three Chains |
Drunken boxing |
| Plus
Two Chains |
The living dead and/or
mutants
|
| Plus
Two Chains |
Wookiees
|
| Plus
Two Chains |
Mr.T or T-like phrases
|
| Plus
Two Chains |
Alien spacecraft [or the
suggestion of such]
|
| Plus
Two Chains |
Laser guns [handheld,
ship-mounted, whatever ya got] |
| Plus
Two Chains |
Beheading/bludgeoning |
| Plus
Two Chains |
Eric Serra soundtrack
|
| Plus
Two Chains |
Hand-to-hand, vehicle-to-vehicle,
or ship-to-ship combat
|
| Plus
Two Chains |
Eye of the
Tiger |
| Plus
One Chain |
Bionics and/or cybernetics
|
| Plus
One Chain |
Onscreen physical mutation
of any sort
|
| Plus
One Chain |
Medieval, western, post-apocalyptic,
desert, or outer space setting |
| Plus
One Chain |
All CGI actor(s)/environment |
| Plus
One-half Chain |
Credits by Kyle Cooper |
| Plus
One-half Chain |
Non-Disney animation
and/or Muppets |
| Plus
One-half Chain |
Features an Element
of Funk [half-chain per Element onscreen]
|
| Subtractions
to the Chain Rating: |
|
| Minus
Five Chains |
Child stars [exception
for Short
Round]
|
| Minus
Four Chains
|
Talking babies/dogs/cats/birds
|
| Minus
Three Chains
|
Use of Meg Ryan/Julia
Roberts/Cher/Sally
Field
|
| Minus
Three Chains
|
Dean
Devlin/Roland
Emmerich
|
| Minus
Two Chains
|
Bad/average movie based on
good book
|
| Minus
Two Chains
|
Unrealistic representation
of email/internet
|
| Minus
Two Chains
|
Direct-to-video and/or
made for TV [Paul
Dini films excluded]
|
| Minus
Two Chains
|
John Woo doves
|
| Minus
Two Chains
|
Mel Brooks involvement in
any capacity
|
| Minus
One Chain
|
Sequels
|
| Minus
One Chain
|
Based on an [old] TV show
|
| Minus
One Chain
|
Poor blending of CGI and
traditional animation
|
| Minus
One Chain
|
Romance [in any of her vile forms]
|
| Minus
One-half Chain
|
No onscreen explosions
|
| Minus
One-half Chain
|
Soundtrack offers less
than three thundering
bass effects
|
| Minus
One-half Chain
|
Films shot in 4:3 aspect
ratio [405
excluded]
|
| Minus
One-half Chain
|
Action hero in dramatic
role [ie: Regarding
Henry]
|
Some examples of the Scale in
action:
Mad Max II: The Road Warrior
On its own merits this masterpiece would receive a Six Chain Rating. A solid film. However, it featured a desert/post-apocalyptic
setting (plus One Chain), vehicular combat (plus Two Chains),
mutants (plus Two Chains), and the V8 Interceptor (Gr
on the Table, plus One-half Chain). An additional Five and
One-half Chains. Because this was a sequel, we were forced to
knock off One Chain - however, we also added an extra Chain for
the use of a bladed boomerang, which brings the grand total to
Eleven and One-half Chains. Most impressive.
The astute may note that The
Road Warrior featured a child star, which should, in theory,
knock a whopping Five Chains off the rating. However, the boy
was a bit part, had no speaking lines, and was feral. Feral
children, obviously, negate any negative child-star ratings.
Steel Magnolias
Typically a movie of this nature (the dread "chick
flick" genre) would garner a Three
Chain rating. However, since it featured both Sally Field AND
Julia Roberts it lost an impressive Six Chains right out o' the
gates. During the
course of the film we were beat about the face and neck with romance (minus One
Chain), and subject to not a single onscreen explosion (minus One-half
Chain). There were a few promising moments where the audience
was led to believe Tom Skerritt may be an alien hybrid, but the
plot really didn't explore/exploit that possibility (no extra
Chains). In all this was a Negative Four and One-half Chain
movie. Grim? Yes, though a nice example of how the Chain Scale
really works...
|
